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Sorry folks, your half-empty liquor bottles and literal trash just aren’t gonna cut it anymore. Seated upon their pedestal for the last 92 years, Testudo has accepted all manner of sacrifice, the good the bad and the worse (as impressive as that Subway sign may have been). But no more! Testudo deserves to have some standards.

Some bronze polish 

Testudo’s shell deserves to be just as shiny as their nose — without the extra touching. Get a good bronze polish, a microfiber rag, and get to scrubbing (it’s the least you could do after so many years being stroked, poked, and pet by every person who wanders by). Put some cucumber slices over their eyes, provide a nice mint water, and it’s Testudo’s equivalent of a spa day.

The Hope Diamond

Testudo deserves to look pretty, and nothing’s prettier than a big blue rock worth 350 million dollars. At a whopping 45.52 carats — surrounded by sixteen white diamonds, hung on a chain of 45 more white diamonds (talk about opulence) — that deep blue color would be incredibly complimentary to the color of their shell. Just make sure to avoid the curse. Testudo can’t fix your grades if you’re gone.

The USS Maryland (SSBN-738)

You know what would be cool? A submarine named after Testudo — wait, that doesn’t exist? I guess Testudo will just have to settle for the USS Maryland, an Ohio-class submarine. Hosting 24 missile tubes and four torpedo tubes, the “Fighting Mary” would allow Testudo to conquer unseen frontiers like the ODK fountain and the flooded Art-Socy building. It’s sure to garner you a few extra points on that NAVY301 final at least.

The head of the JHU Blue Jay

Repeatedly kidnapped by Johns Hopkins University students during the 30s and 40s, Testudo says it’s time for some petty revenge. For too long, their mascot Jay the Blue Jay — what a plebeian name — has lived in undisturbed peace. No longer! The student who sacrifices Jay’s head to Testudo will surely pass their exams.

Kevin Willard, bound and gagged

The Terrapins and Crab Five were having a phenomenal season, and that shiny, bald-headed son of a [redacted] couldn’t even be bothered to show up to the team dinner. It’s time for Testudo to pass judgement. Bring forth the traitor!

The Hare Magazine Issue 4

Testudo would like to read some good quality content, and there’s no better content than The Hare Magazine’s most recent issue. Jam-packed with 31 satirically delicious articles covering topics like squirrels, cocktails, and the collapse of Hagerstown Hall, providing Testudo with a copy is a sure-fire way to pass your exams.