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Recent news of CP Liquors’ and Town Hall Liquors’ upcoming closures have been devastating to three in four Terps. However, many efforts to retain this campus’s beautiful culture of alcoholism have already sprung up, including new Speakeasies popping up in some students’ dorms. These resurgent prohibition-era underground bars and liquor stores have only one goal: defending your 21st Amendment right to get fucked up beyond recognition the night before a final.

“It’s— uhh— it’s immoral,” slurred architecture major Sammy Addams, who had a noticeable wet spot growing in his crotch area throughout the entire interview, “They can’t take away our alcohol that would be a violatioooo–” Addams was not able to finish this statement, as he fell asleep at this very moment, snoring at an unsettling volume.

Even faculty are upset about the liquor stores closing. When interviewed, physics department head Dr. Gina N. Tonic said, “How are we expected to deal with these stupid children all the time without alcohol? I can’t imagine how any professors get through their days without at least five shots of vodka every morning…”

Dr. Tonic then proceeded to ramble for roughly six minutes about how she always wanted to be an actress but her parents forced academia upon her, before breaking down into tears and then vomiting on the floor.

Finance major Ale Capon, one of the most notorious Speakeasy managers in the College Park area, started small, selling homemade moonshine out of his Pyon Chen single. “It’s the roaring 2020s! Students need their jag juice to get zozzled! I saw that hole in the market and I filled it. Little something called supply and demand; you’d know about it if you were as deep in the business school as I am.” Capon now manages 18 Speakeasies in dorms across campus, and even a few in some frat houses and off-campus apartments.

To get into one of these campus Speakeasies, one has to say the secret passphrase to one of their bouncers: “Pregame with protein.”

Edit: As of 9/9/2023 at 12:39 PM, all of Capon’s Speakeasies have been shut down following his suspension from the university on academic dishonesty charges.