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CUMBERLAND HALL — Satan has selected the Cumberland Hall laundry room as his new home for its “terrifically troublesome terrible temperature,” according to the Tempter.
The personification of evil is well known for his preference for copious quantities of hellfire and brimstone in his residences. He told intrepid Hare reporters (who were constantly patting out flames persistently singeing their shirts) that making the move to Cumberland’s laundry room was a straightforward decision.
“Why, it’s so comfortable in here! Neither the nine circles nor the center of Hell itself can hold a candle to my new abode,” said Satan as he reclined on a beat-up sofa taken from the adjacent study lounge. “It’s also absolutely delightful watching innocent residents liquefy after a few minutes! It’s tough to find good entertainment these days. HBC [Hell Broadcasting Company] doesn’t make rom-coms like they used to anymore.”
The Devil did register a single minor complaint about a fan that had recently been placed inside in a thoughtless attempt to render the room more suitable for regular humans. He proceeded to zap it with lightning once, sending it on the fritz.
Dorm residents were more concerned with ludicrous, irrelevant issues than the presence of the Adversary of God. Detan Algiers, a freshman computer science major on the machine learning track, nonsensically blabbered, “Who are you? How did you get into my room? It was locked! What do you want? I’m calling the police!” to interviewing Hare reporters.
Resident Director Mitch Woolley gladly touted the fallen angel’s endorsement. “Cumberland Hall is a residence hall fit for a king—albeit one of sin, but still a king nonetheless. But seriously, how many other dorms can you really say have a direct route to the underworld?” Woolley said, looking on as a student attempting to wash some laundry was sucked through a throbbing purple portal, never to be seen again.
Having rented a university-approved MicroFridge with SmokeSensor from MyFridgeRental for $319.00, Satan has already made himself quite comfortable. He is expected to announce plans this Wednesday to move the Hell Labs Ironic Punishment Division over as well.
At press time, cracks leading to purgatory were observed gradually opening in the laundry room, forcing half of the washing and drying machines out of order.
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