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While many would view the Art-Sociology building flooding Sunday night as a tragedy, damaging projects that students poured their lives into, University of Maryland leadership see it as an opportunity to move Fearlessly Forward. Claiming that it would be far too expensive to try and fix the leak, they plan to flood the bottom level to house Maryland’s very own state reptile, the diamondback terrapin.

Once they repurpose the building’s water fountain filters to maintain water quality, the university plans to stock the enclosure with tilapia and watercress, providing campus a sustainable aquaculture-based food source. 

In an address to the university early Monday, UMD President Darryll Pines stated that “While the damage to the Art-Sociology building is tragic, it has brought a Fearless Idea of mine to light. We all know that the Art Department doesn’t make us money like our STEM and sports teams, and I have a way to fix that.”

President Pines, unprompted, went on to support his idea claiming “Terrapins are popular, everyone is saying it, they’re saying Maryland has some of the best terrapins, diamondback terrapins might I add, in the country. Yet our university doesn’t have any on campus. How is that possible? The Maryland Terps have no Terrapins? It’s just not right. I really like terrapins not like those tortoises, tortoises are slow but terrapins are not. You’d never expect it. You’d say ‘wow that’s a turtle, turtles are slow’ but then they move and they’re fast, some would say the fastest, not as fast as me of course, but fast. A terrapin would never get outrun like a sleepy tortoise.”

This decision has caused significant uproar among humanities majors on campus, stating that it “violates the law and their rights as students on this campus” protesting outside of the University House. While President Pines has not made any official statements since Monday, he tweeted out this statement on X last evening and has declined to meet with campus papers to clarify the meaning of his statement, only saying “this quote is original and made by me, no one else.” 

While the UMD Hare was unable to reach President Pines, we contacted turtle enthusiast, Jonathan Wares, to get his opinion on the decision. Jonathan’s only comment on the matter was “I like turtles.” We know Jonathan, we like turtles too.